One of the most interesting aspects of Japanese mythology (at least to me) is the way some gods are portrayed as both male and female. It isn’t a concept I’ve encountered all that often in other mythologies I’ve studied. However, in the Shinto myths it is not uncommon to find male and female aspects of the same Kami. In my post about Amaterasu, I mentioned that her sibling Tsukiyomi, deity of the moon, was portrayed as both male and female.
Such is also the case with Inari/Inara, deity of rice and fertility. (For any Firefly fans, this is likely who Inara was named for - though one would think that fertility in a companion might be a bad thing...) Inari, the male, is depicted as an old man. Inara is portrayed as a beautiful woman with loose hair.
Both Inara and Inari use foxes as their messengers, and Inara is able to turn herself into a fox. Here is where we encounter the interesting folktale of the Kitsune.
“Kitsune” is the Japanese word for fox, but when non-Japanese speaking people use the word it normally refers to a magical fox. Even normal foxes in the Shinto myths are generally seen as helpful animals or symbols of good luck, though they were often portrayed as tricksters after Buddhism entered Japan.
The magical foxes which I mentioned are able to change their shape, much like Inara. These foxes shapeshift into beautiful human women. Tales of the Kitsune sometimes have them fall in love with a human. They then live with the human until something goes wrong, forcing the Kitsune to return to its natural fox form. Other stories show more mischievous Kitsune seducing men, luring them away from their wives.
One such story can be found in the Konjaku, a collection of myths and folktales compiled by a 12th-century Buddhist monk. The story ends with the man escaping the clutches of the Kitsune and undergoing purification rituals at the temple. Slight difference in stories, right?
Regardless of the fact that “kitsune” simply means fox, most modern portrayals of the word feature beautiful women with loose hair, multiple fox tails behind them, and occasionally fox ears. Modern depictions of Inara (outside of Firefly) are much the same, though the original temples to Inara/Inari featured simple, regular foxes.
I love how closely interwoven the folktale of the Kitsune is with the Shinto characters of Inara/Inari. I hope you found it interesting! I have to wonder...are the Kitsune where the phrase “a foxy lady” originated? (Sorry, couldn’t help it!)
If you have questions, comments, or puns you want to share, please post below or email me. I’ll be back next post with the story of Issunboshi, the inch-tall hero. Until then, I wanted to remind you guys that I’ll have a booth at Pima Community College’s East campus tomorrow and Wednesday if you want to swing through and say hello. I’ll also be selling copies of Hammerfall - which, incidentally, should be available as a Kindle e-book within the week. I’ll see you guys next post!
Monday, January 19, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
Book Signing Event!
I’m interrupting my normal post schedule to bring you the following news:
On January 20th and 21st (next Tuesday and Wednesday), I’m going to have a table at Pima Community College’s East campus. I’ll be there from 11’o’clock to 1’o’clock selling and signing copies of Hammerfall (my book), as well as chatting with people about various mythological things. I would love to see you guys there, and get to meet my readers in person!
I’ll make sure and have my post talking about Inara/Inari (and the Kitsune) up this coming Monday. See you then!
On January 20th and 21st (next Tuesday and Wednesday), I’m going to have a table at Pima Community College’s East campus. I’ll be there from 11’o’clock to 1’o’clock selling and signing copies of Hammerfall (my book), as well as chatting with people about various mythological things. I would love to see you guys there, and get to meet my readers in person!
I’ll make sure and have my post talking about Inara/Inari (and the Kitsune) up this coming Monday. See you then!
Monday, January 12, 2015
Susano on Earth
In my last post I talked about Susano, god of the sea, and the mischief he enacted on his sister Amaterasu. As punishment for his actions, Susano was cast out of heaven and banished to the earth.
Once on earth, Susano’s nature changed (which seems fitting, since the mood of the sea often changes). Susano was something of a villain while in heaven - but on earth, the god became a hero. Here are a few examples.
At some point after his banishment, Susano came across a girl and her family along the road. The girl’s parents told him that a monstrous creature had eaten the girl’s seven sisters, and that it was coming for her as well. Susano agreed to stop the monster, provided he was allowed to marry the girl.
When her parents agreed, Susano sent them away and turned the girl into a comb. He tucked the comb into his hair to keep her safe. Susano then prepared eight tubs of wine and waited for the monster’s appearance. An eight-headed snake soon arrived. It headed for the wine and promptly gorged itself. (Who knew snakes were such lushes?) The serpent fell asleep, leaving Susano a perfect opportunity. The sea god chopped of the monster’s heads, winning the hand of the girl - along with something else.
Within the monster’s tail, Susano found a sword called Kusanagi. The important thing to know about Kusanagi is that it grants its wielder the ability to single-handedly defeat armies. (The Major in Ghost in the Shell is named for this sword - no wonder she’s so awesome!) Susano made a gift of Kusanagi to the Imperial family. We’ll talk about the continued adventures of this sword a little more when we discuss Yamato-Takeru.
Apparently finding swords in snakes’ tails is normal, because Susano slew another eight-headed serpent (also common, I guess?) and found another sword. He gifted it to his sister Amaterasu in hopes of ending their feud. This sword also found its way into the hands of the royal family, because Amaterasu gave it to her grandson when she sent him to rule over the earth.
There are many other tales of Susano’s adventures on earth, though none are as detailed as the ones we’ve discussed so far. One story involves Susano stopping a deadly plague - which is not something sea gods are normally seen doing. Another story has Susano conquering Korea, a country with which Japan has historically had a love/hate relationship. (Korea and Japan often traded with one another, and many foreign ideas - for instance, Buddhism - entered Japan through Korea. However, the two countries were at war several times, and Korea was invaded by Japan more than once throughout history.)
At any rate, it seems clear that the Susano seen on earth is far different from the one in heaven. Perhaps Izanagi did him a favor when he banished him!
Thoughts? I’d love to hear them! Post below or email me. I’ll see you guys next time, when we continue Japanese mythology with a post about Inara/Inari and the deity’s messengers - the Kitsune!
Once on earth, Susano’s nature changed (which seems fitting, since the mood of the sea often changes). Susano was something of a villain while in heaven - but on earth, the god became a hero. Here are a few examples.
At some point after his banishment, Susano came across a girl and her family along the road. The girl’s parents told him that a monstrous creature had eaten the girl’s seven sisters, and that it was coming for her as well. Susano agreed to stop the monster, provided he was allowed to marry the girl.
When her parents agreed, Susano sent them away and turned the girl into a comb. He tucked the comb into his hair to keep her safe. Susano then prepared eight tubs of wine and waited for the monster’s appearance. An eight-headed snake soon arrived. It headed for the wine and promptly gorged itself. (Who knew snakes were such lushes?) The serpent fell asleep, leaving Susano a perfect opportunity. The sea god chopped of the monster’s heads, winning the hand of the girl - along with something else.
Within the monster’s tail, Susano found a sword called Kusanagi. The important thing to know about Kusanagi is that it grants its wielder the ability to single-handedly defeat armies. (The Major in Ghost in the Shell is named for this sword - no wonder she’s so awesome!) Susano made a gift of Kusanagi to the Imperial family. We’ll talk about the continued adventures of this sword a little more when we discuss Yamato-Takeru.
Apparently finding swords in snakes’ tails is normal, because Susano slew another eight-headed serpent (also common, I guess?) and found another sword. He gifted it to his sister Amaterasu in hopes of ending their feud. This sword also found its way into the hands of the royal family, because Amaterasu gave it to her grandson when she sent him to rule over the earth.
There are many other tales of Susano’s adventures on earth, though none are as detailed as the ones we’ve discussed so far. One story involves Susano stopping a deadly plague - which is not something sea gods are normally seen doing. Another story has Susano conquering Korea, a country with which Japan has historically had a love/hate relationship. (Korea and Japan often traded with one another, and many foreign ideas - for instance, Buddhism - entered Japan through Korea. However, the two countries were at war several times, and Korea was invaded by Japan more than once throughout history.)
At any rate, it seems clear that the Susano seen on earth is far different from the one in heaven. Perhaps Izanagi did him a favor when he banished him!
Thoughts? I’d love to hear them! Post below or email me. I’ll see you guys next time, when we continue Japanese mythology with a post about Inara/Inari and the deity’s messengers - the Kitsune!
Friday, January 9, 2015
Amaterasu and Susano: The Sun and the Sea
Upon Izanagi's return from Yomi, he went to a river to cleanse himself. While he was washing up, a strange thing happened. From one of his eyes came the goddess Amaterasu; from the other, Tsukiyomi; and from his nose sprang Susano. It is Susano and Amaterasu that we’ll be talking about in this post.
Upon seeing his newborn children, Izanagi declared what they were to rule over. Amaterasu was given reign over the sun and heaven; her brother Susano was made the god of the sea and storms. (For anyone wondering, Tsukiyomi became deity of the moon. I use the gender-neutral “deity” because Tsukiyomi is portrayed as both male and female in the myths - something not uncommon amongst the Kami. However, Tsukiyomi is most frequently portrayed as male.)
Susano became jealous of the power given to Amaterasu. He declared that he wanted to go to Yomi and live with Izanami - because going to live with dear dead mum is somehow better than ruling over the seas? Izanagi was angered by this proposal (gee, maybe because Izanami had tried to kill him? I wonder...) and instead banished Susano from heaven.
Like the sea, Susano was not easily commanded. He went to see Amaterasu, ostensibly to bid her goodbye, but the sun goddess was not fooled. Aware of her brother’s jealousy, Amaterasu kept her bow and arrows handy.
(Anyone else find it cool that the highly patriarchal society of ancient Japan had so important of a female deity - and portrayed her as a capable warrior?)
At Susano’s suggestion, he and Amaterasu entered into a contest to see who was more powerful. Amaterasu created three goddesses from Susano’s sword; her brother created five gods from Amaterasu’s jewels. Susano declared himself the victor, since he had created more deities, but Amaterasu contested this by saying Susano had used her jewels...so it was she who had won.
Enraged, Susano descended to earth and began to wreak havoc. He caused great floods that destroyed the rice fields. He also desecrated the temple of the rice harvest.
It was Amaterasu who had taught mankind how to cultivate rice, so Susano’s actions could be seen as insults to the goddess. However, his greatest offense came when Amaterasu was weaving with her handmaidens. Susano skinned a horse alive and threw it into the hall with Amaterasu.
The goddess was terrified and fled to a cave, plunging the world into darkness. She refused to emerge, so the other gods finally stepped in and came up with a plan. They set a mirror (which is still said to be in possession of the Emperor) outside of the cave. The gods then called upon Uzume, goddess of dancing. Uzume began to dance with abandon, causing the other gods to laugh.
Within the cave, Amaterasu heard what sounded like a party going on outside. The goddess poked her head out, curious, and saw her own reflection in the mirror. The other gods declared Amaterasu’s reflection to be the replacement sun goddess. Curious to see who the goddess was, Amaterasu emerged from the cave - at which point the other gods quickly sealed its entrance with a boulder.
Unable to return to hiding, Amaterasu resumed her duties as the sun goddess. The world was once more bathed in light. As punishment for his actions, the other gods enforced Susano’s banishment, casting him to earth. We’ll talk about his adventures there in my next post.
I hope you enjoyed reading about Amaterasu and Susano! While in heaven, Susano is very much a trickster - but, like the sea, his moods can change drastically. I’ll show you what I mean next post! Until then, please comment below or email me with anything you want to discuss.
Upon seeing his newborn children, Izanagi declared what they were to rule over. Amaterasu was given reign over the sun and heaven; her brother Susano was made the god of the sea and storms. (For anyone wondering, Tsukiyomi became deity of the moon. I use the gender-neutral “deity” because Tsukiyomi is portrayed as both male and female in the myths - something not uncommon amongst the Kami. However, Tsukiyomi is most frequently portrayed as male.)
Susano became jealous of the power given to Amaterasu. He declared that he wanted to go to Yomi and live with Izanami - because going to live with dear dead mum is somehow better than ruling over the seas? Izanagi was angered by this proposal (gee, maybe because Izanami had tried to kill him? I wonder...) and instead banished Susano from heaven.
Like the sea, Susano was not easily commanded. He went to see Amaterasu, ostensibly to bid her goodbye, but the sun goddess was not fooled. Aware of her brother’s jealousy, Amaterasu kept her bow and arrows handy.
(Anyone else find it cool that the highly patriarchal society of ancient Japan had so important of a female deity - and portrayed her as a capable warrior?)
At Susano’s suggestion, he and Amaterasu entered into a contest to see who was more powerful. Amaterasu created three goddesses from Susano’s sword; her brother created five gods from Amaterasu’s jewels. Susano declared himself the victor, since he had created more deities, but Amaterasu contested this by saying Susano had used her jewels...so it was she who had won.
Enraged, Susano descended to earth and began to wreak havoc. He caused great floods that destroyed the rice fields. He also desecrated the temple of the rice harvest.
It was Amaterasu who had taught mankind how to cultivate rice, so Susano’s actions could be seen as insults to the goddess. However, his greatest offense came when Amaterasu was weaving with her handmaidens. Susano skinned a horse alive and threw it into the hall with Amaterasu.
The goddess was terrified and fled to a cave, plunging the world into darkness. She refused to emerge, so the other gods finally stepped in and came up with a plan. They set a mirror (which is still said to be in possession of the Emperor) outside of the cave. The gods then called upon Uzume, goddess of dancing. Uzume began to dance with abandon, causing the other gods to laugh.
Within the cave, Amaterasu heard what sounded like a party going on outside. The goddess poked her head out, curious, and saw her own reflection in the mirror. The other gods declared Amaterasu’s reflection to be the replacement sun goddess. Curious to see who the goddess was, Amaterasu emerged from the cave - at which point the other gods quickly sealed its entrance with a boulder.
Unable to return to hiding, Amaterasu resumed her duties as the sun goddess. The world was once more bathed in light. As punishment for his actions, the other gods enforced Susano’s banishment, casting him to earth. We’ll talk about his adventures there in my next post.
I hope you enjoyed reading about Amaterasu and Susano! While in heaven, Susano is very much a trickster - but, like the sea, his moods can change drastically. I’ll show you what I mean next post! Until then, please comment below or email me with anything you want to discuss.
Monday, January 5, 2015
Izanagi and Izanami: Escape from Yomi
According to the Shinto myths, Izanagi and Izanami were not the first gods. Other primordial beings existed before they did. However, Izanagi and Izanami are responsible for the creation of many of the other Kami, and it was they who created Japan. As such, I’d like to talk about the duo.
Originally the world was made of a kind of sludge-y water. Izanagi and Izanami stood upon the bridge of heaven - a rainbow - and stirred the sludge with a jeweled spear. When they pulled the spear from the water, some dripped down the spear and created the first island.
Izanagi and Izanami descended to this island and were wed. However, during the ceremony Izanami, the woman, spoke first. Due to this, their first child was born deformed. The other gods conferred and told Izanagi and Izanami to repeat their wedding ceremony, but to have the male speak first this time. Izanagi and Izanami complied, and all was well.
The duo gave birth to many children. These included the islands of Japan (sounds like a painful labor...) and numerous gods of the elements - waterfalls, trees, and the like.
Tragedy struck when Izanami became pregnant with Kagutsuchi, the god of fire. His flames burned her during childbirth, and Izanami died.
Izanagi immediately chopped Kagutsuchi into pieces (such a wonderful father, right?), but it was too late - his wife was gone. In his grief, Izanagi decided to go to Yomi, the Japanese land of the dead, to bring his wife back to life.
Yomi is a dark and gloomy place. Izanagi was able to find Izanami, but he could not see her face. Izanami agreed to return to the land of the living, but asked her husband to not look at her. She left him for a brief time, ostensibly to grab something, but an impatient and worried Izanagi followed her and lit his comb as a candle.
What he saw horrified Izanagi, for his wife was decayed and covered with maggots. (I’d probably be horrified too!) Izanami had eaten the food of the dead, and thus could not leave Yomi - for she had become a part of it.
Enraged that Izanagi had seen her, Izanami chased him through the underworld, sending demons to block his path. Izanagi escaped by throwing three peaches he found at the demons (who apparently don’t like fruit), chasing them away. Izanami almost caught Izanagi at the outskirts of Yomi, but he was able to roll a boulder over the entrance, forever sealing her inside.
Furious, Izanami swore that she would kill a thousand humans a day to punish Izanagi. The god responded that he would give life to fifteen hundred humans a day to thwart her. It was in this way that Izanagi and Izanami came to embody life and death.
I hope you enjoyed reading about Izanagi and Izanami! They’re an interesting duo, and their story bears remarkable similarities to the Greek myth of Orpheus, along with the fairy tale The Witch. I also find it interesting that the three mythologies we’ve looked at so far each have a female goddess of the Underworld - the Norse Hel; the Greek Persephone, who shares the rule of the Underworld with her husband Hades; and now Izanami. Izanami’s tale also proves wrong the old saying “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” - it obviously does!
As always, feel free to email me or comment below. I’ll be back on Friday with a post about Amaterasu and her interactions with her trickster brother, Susano. See you guys then!
Originally the world was made of a kind of sludge-y water. Izanagi and Izanami stood upon the bridge of heaven - a rainbow - and stirred the sludge with a jeweled spear. When they pulled the spear from the water, some dripped down the spear and created the first island.
Izanagi and Izanami descended to this island and were wed. However, during the ceremony Izanami, the woman, spoke first. Due to this, their first child was born deformed. The other gods conferred and told Izanagi and Izanami to repeat their wedding ceremony, but to have the male speak first this time. Izanagi and Izanami complied, and all was well.
The duo gave birth to many children. These included the islands of Japan (sounds like a painful labor...) and numerous gods of the elements - waterfalls, trees, and the like.
Tragedy struck when Izanami became pregnant with Kagutsuchi, the god of fire. His flames burned her during childbirth, and Izanami died.
Izanagi immediately chopped Kagutsuchi into pieces (such a wonderful father, right?), but it was too late - his wife was gone. In his grief, Izanagi decided to go to Yomi, the Japanese land of the dead, to bring his wife back to life.
Yomi is a dark and gloomy place. Izanagi was able to find Izanami, but he could not see her face. Izanami agreed to return to the land of the living, but asked her husband to not look at her. She left him for a brief time, ostensibly to grab something, but an impatient and worried Izanagi followed her and lit his comb as a candle.
What he saw horrified Izanagi, for his wife was decayed and covered with maggots. (I’d probably be horrified too!) Izanami had eaten the food of the dead, and thus could not leave Yomi - for she had become a part of it.
Enraged that Izanagi had seen her, Izanami chased him through the underworld, sending demons to block his path. Izanagi escaped by throwing three peaches he found at the demons (who apparently don’t like fruit), chasing them away. Izanami almost caught Izanagi at the outskirts of Yomi, but he was able to roll a boulder over the entrance, forever sealing her inside.
Furious, Izanami swore that she would kill a thousand humans a day to punish Izanagi. The god responded that he would give life to fifteen hundred humans a day to thwart her. It was in this way that Izanagi and Izanami came to embody life and death.
I hope you enjoyed reading about Izanagi and Izanami! They’re an interesting duo, and their story bears remarkable similarities to the Greek myth of Orpheus, along with the fairy tale The Witch. I also find it interesting that the three mythologies we’ve looked at so far each have a female goddess of the Underworld - the Norse Hel; the Greek Persephone, who shares the rule of the Underworld with her husband Hades; and now Izanami. Izanami’s tale also proves wrong the old saying “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” - it obviously does!
As always, feel free to email me or comment below. I’ll be back on Friday with a post about Amaterasu and her interactions with her trickster brother, Susano. See you guys then!
Friday, January 2, 2015
Intro to Japanese Mythology
Welcome to 2015! (Wow, that is weird to type...) Lets start the new year with a new mythology!
Thus far we’ve discussed Norse and Greek mythology. The gods in these myths looked and acted human, but possessed extraordinary powers. These powers represented aspects of nature (such as lightning), traits (such as intellect), or the acts of man (such as weaving and warfare).
The divine figures in the Japanese myths are similar to these, but they differ from other mythologies in important ways. To begin with, Japanese religion is called “Shinto”, which means “Way of the Gods”. Shinto worship revolves around the Kami.
It is here that the distinction between Japanese mythology and other ancient religions becomes important. Though gods are a part of the Kami, they are not the only things worshipped. Other parts of the Kami include the spirits of one’s ancestors, some animals, and divine aspects of nature. For instance, some mountains in Japan are worshipped as the embodiment of an essence of nature.
Most of the stories I’ll be talking about revolve around the deities of the Kami. These include Izanagi and Izanami, two gods that are the parents of many others in the Kami. They are also credited with having given birth to the islands that make up Japan. Izanami later becomes the goddess of Yomi, the Japanese underworld.
Izanagi creates several other gods without Izanami. These include Susano, god of the seas and the storms, who plays the role of the trickster while with the other gods. However, once Susano comes to Earth he is seen helping and defending humans.
Susano’s sister Amaterasu is the goddess of the sun. Amaterasu is also portrayed as a helper of humanity within the myths, teaching mankind agriculture, weaving, and how to harvest silk - all of which were highly important to the early Japanese.
One of the most interesting aspects of Shinto lies in the fact that powerful families within early Japan claimed to have descended from the gods. This remains true even in modern Japan - the Emperor and his family are said to be descendents of Amaterasu herself.
Like other mythologies, the tales of the Kami were originally told orally. The Shinto myths were eventually compiled into a book called the Kojiki in the early 8th century. This book is where most of modern knowledge about the Kami comes from. If you are interested in learning more about Japanese mythology, I highly recommend looking up a translation of the Kojiki.
That concludes my brief introduction to Japanese mythology! I hope you guys found it interesting! I love seeing what is similar to and different from other mythologies I know. The similarities are particularly interesting given the fact that Japan closed itself off from outside influence at several points in its history.
I’ll be back on Monday with a post about Izanagi and Izanami, and their descent into Yomi. Until then, feel free to comment or email me with any questions or thoughts you have!
Thus far we’ve discussed Norse and Greek mythology. The gods in these myths looked and acted human, but possessed extraordinary powers. These powers represented aspects of nature (such as lightning), traits (such as intellect), or the acts of man (such as weaving and warfare).
The divine figures in the Japanese myths are similar to these, but they differ from other mythologies in important ways. To begin with, Japanese religion is called “Shinto”, which means “Way of the Gods”. Shinto worship revolves around the Kami.
It is here that the distinction between Japanese mythology and other ancient religions becomes important. Though gods are a part of the Kami, they are not the only things worshipped. Other parts of the Kami include the spirits of one’s ancestors, some animals, and divine aspects of nature. For instance, some mountains in Japan are worshipped as the embodiment of an essence of nature.
Most of the stories I’ll be talking about revolve around the deities of the Kami. These include Izanagi and Izanami, two gods that are the parents of many others in the Kami. They are also credited with having given birth to the islands that make up Japan. Izanami later becomes the goddess of Yomi, the Japanese underworld.
Izanagi creates several other gods without Izanami. These include Susano, god of the seas and the storms, who plays the role of the trickster while with the other gods. However, once Susano comes to Earth he is seen helping and defending humans.
Susano’s sister Amaterasu is the goddess of the sun. Amaterasu is also portrayed as a helper of humanity within the myths, teaching mankind agriculture, weaving, and how to harvest silk - all of which were highly important to the early Japanese.
One of the most interesting aspects of Shinto lies in the fact that powerful families within early Japan claimed to have descended from the gods. This remains true even in modern Japan - the Emperor and his family are said to be descendents of Amaterasu herself.
Like other mythologies, the tales of the Kami were originally told orally. The Shinto myths were eventually compiled into a book called the Kojiki in the early 8th century. This book is where most of modern knowledge about the Kami comes from. If you are interested in learning more about Japanese mythology, I highly recommend looking up a translation of the Kojiki.
That concludes my brief introduction to Japanese mythology! I hope you guys found it interesting! I love seeing what is similar to and different from other mythologies I know. The similarities are particularly interesting given the fact that Japan closed itself off from outside influence at several points in its history.
I’ll be back on Monday with a post about Izanagi and Izanami, and their descent into Yomi. Until then, feel free to comment or email me with any questions or thoughts you have!
Monday, December 29, 2014
Modern Iliad
We're wrapping up 2014 with a modern adaptation of the Iliad! This was written as an assignment for a Western Humanities class. The instructor's example of a modern take on the Iliad was a bunch of kindergarteners fighting over a teddy bear...which is accurate. Please note that the "links" at the bottom do not actually exist, but I wanted to make it seem like H (Homer) was a blogger like myself.
I hope you guys enjoy this interpretation, and I'll be back on Friday with an introduction to Japanese mythology!
Disclaimer: I know nothing about football except what little I have gleaned from watching the Superbowl for its commercials and from Wikipedia. I know even less about cheerleading. I apologize in advance.
I’m just gonna go ahead and dedicate this to my darling, my muse, who inspired me to write this. Without her I would never have put this into words.
This account is all about how pissed off Achilles got. But that’s not how it started. Let me tell you:
It all began when Helen switched schools to be with her new boy-toy. Unfortunately, she didn’t break up with her previous boyfriend before doing this. Menelaus was understandably upset - after all, she was the hottest cheerleader in town. She was kind of a trophy for him to parade around in front of all the other jocks. For her to leave him for the sissy mascot of the Trojan school was a huge insult. Naturally, he took this up with his brother, Agamemnon. After all, if the Achaeans could defeat the Trojans in football, they would shame the school - and its mascot - forever. Menelaus was also hoping that he could show off enough to win Helen back.
The brackets for the season had already been set, and the Achaeans would have to beat a lot of other schools in order to play against the Trojans. The Trojan quarterback, Hector, was an amazing player. His plays had won the Trojans many a game. He was also the brother of Paris, so Agamemnon knew he would play hard to defend his brother’s honor. Luckily for the Achaeans, they had a quarterback who was more than Hector’s match - Achilles. Though Agamemnon was the coach, Achilles was the one who decided the plays and won the game. With his help, Agamemnon was sure he could help win Menelaus’ girlfriend back.
The games were fierce, with both Trojans and Achaeans winning in all of their games. Along the way Achilles fell for a cheerleader named Briseis, who had cheered for a school whose team the Achaeans had defeated. Agamemnon also began a relationship with a cheerleader, this one named Chryseis. When her father found out he was furious, due to the age difference between his daughter and Agamemnon. He threatened to sue Agamemnon and have him banned from coaching if he did not break off the relationship. Seeing no other choice, Agamemnon dumped Chryseis.
Irritated that he had been forced to give up a beautiful woman, Agamemnon sulked whenever he saw Achilles with his new girlfriend. Finally he gathered the team together. Pointing out that he was the one who did all the work, and that without him the team could not play, he demanded that Achilles break off his relationship with Briseis, claiming it distracted him from playing. Achilles refused to do so, but Agamemnon would not relent, and Achilles was eventually forced to give in. Since Briseis was legally an adult, Agamemnon began to try and woo her.
Furious at this turn of events, Achilles sulked. He refused to play in any practices or games, as did his best friend Patroclus. Nothing any of his teammates said could get him off of the bench. This left Ajax as the quarterback, who possessed far less talent than Achilles. The Achaeans’ scores began to suffer, though they still won their games - barely.
Finally the big game arrived. Trojans and Achaeans faced off against each other for first place. Menelaus was essentially useless during the game, as he spent most of the time glowering at Paris, who proudly paraded around in a horse costume. Helen had joined the Trojan cheerleaders and rooted loudly for the team, seemingly oblivious to the longing stares of Menelaus.
With Ajax leading the Achaeans did poorly. Hector led the Trojans through a number of successful plays, scoring several touchdowns. By half-time the Achaeans were in bad shape. Odysseus, who had made the team due to a gift at coming up with plays, despite his geekyness, approached Agamemnon. He urged him to give Achilles back Briseis and bring him back into the game. Agamemnon refused at first but relented when other players agreed with Odysseus. Approaching Achilles, who still sat sulking, he offered him a deal - he would allow him to date Briseis again if Achilles would win the game. Despite the prompting of his teammates, Achilles refused.
Patroclus, however, was moved - not by Agamemnon’s speech, but by the plight of his teammates. He was put back into the game, replacing Ajax as quarterback. During the second half of the game he blocked the plays of the Achaeans and helped even the score, leading his team to a few touchdowns and penalty kicks. With just a few minutes left on the clock he started a new play. It led to a successful touchdown, tying the Trojans and the Achaeans, but during the course of the play Patroclus was tackled by Hector. The injury was ruled accidental by the judges and no penalty was called, but Patroclus was taken to the hospital with a severe concussion.
With the game tied, overtime was called. Enraged by the damage Hector had caused to Patroclus, Achilles agreed to finally enter the game. He made some pretty risky calls on the field, but he was something to watch, let me tell you. You’ve seen Star Wars, right? It was like watching Yoda plow through an army of clones. Nothing could stand in his way.
The Achaeans were ahead on the score as the Trojans made their final play. Hector called it and everyone started running, but Achilles headed straight for him. Thinking he had a shot, Hector threw the football - only to have Achilles jump up and slam it to the ground, landing on Hector. They began to scuffle, oblivious to the whistles of the judges. Their teammates finally managed to pull them apart. With no time left on the clock, the Achaeans were judged the winners.
Hector went to the hospital with a broken nose, but Achilles wasn’t done humiliating him yet. Knowing that Odysseus filmed every game, he asked for the help of his teammates. Before the night was over, a video of Hector’s humiliation at the hands of Achilles had gone viral. Its views increased every day, until Hector’s father came to Achilles and begged him to pull the video down. He appealed to Achilles, asking him what it would be like to have his family and friends see him defeated, to hear everyone laughing at it while their boy was in the hospital. Reminded of his own father, Achilles finally relented and deleted the video.
This isn’t the end of the story, but it tells the point I wanted to make - don’t piss off Achilles. Seriously. He’ll never let it go, but you’ll wish he had.
And with that, I’m signing off. Until next time, peeps!
H out.
Related blog posts you might find interesting:
Odysseus Missing: Took the wrong bus home?
Eris interrupts Beauty Pageant with disastrous results
I hope you guys enjoy this interpretation, and I'll be back on Friday with an introduction to Japanese mythology!
Disclaimer: I know nothing about football except what little I have gleaned from watching the Superbowl for its commercials and from Wikipedia. I know even less about cheerleading. I apologize in advance.
October 7th, 2014
I’m just gonna go ahead and dedicate this to my darling, my muse, who inspired me to write this. Without her I would never have put this into words.
This account is all about how pissed off Achilles got. But that’s not how it started. Let me tell you:
It all began when Helen switched schools to be with her new boy-toy. Unfortunately, she didn’t break up with her previous boyfriend before doing this. Menelaus was understandably upset - after all, she was the hottest cheerleader in town. She was kind of a trophy for him to parade around in front of all the other jocks. For her to leave him for the sissy mascot of the Trojan school was a huge insult. Naturally, he took this up with his brother, Agamemnon. After all, if the Achaeans could defeat the Trojans in football, they would shame the school - and its mascot - forever. Menelaus was also hoping that he could show off enough to win Helen back.
The brackets for the season had already been set, and the Achaeans would have to beat a lot of other schools in order to play against the Trojans. The Trojan quarterback, Hector, was an amazing player. His plays had won the Trojans many a game. He was also the brother of Paris, so Agamemnon knew he would play hard to defend his brother’s honor. Luckily for the Achaeans, they had a quarterback who was more than Hector’s match - Achilles. Though Agamemnon was the coach, Achilles was the one who decided the plays and won the game. With his help, Agamemnon was sure he could help win Menelaus’ girlfriend back.
The games were fierce, with both Trojans and Achaeans winning in all of their games. Along the way Achilles fell for a cheerleader named Briseis, who had cheered for a school whose team the Achaeans had defeated. Agamemnon also began a relationship with a cheerleader, this one named Chryseis. When her father found out he was furious, due to the age difference between his daughter and Agamemnon. He threatened to sue Agamemnon and have him banned from coaching if he did not break off the relationship. Seeing no other choice, Agamemnon dumped Chryseis.
Irritated that he had been forced to give up a beautiful woman, Agamemnon sulked whenever he saw Achilles with his new girlfriend. Finally he gathered the team together. Pointing out that he was the one who did all the work, and that without him the team could not play, he demanded that Achilles break off his relationship with Briseis, claiming it distracted him from playing. Achilles refused to do so, but Agamemnon would not relent, and Achilles was eventually forced to give in. Since Briseis was legally an adult, Agamemnon began to try and woo her.
Furious at this turn of events, Achilles sulked. He refused to play in any practices or games, as did his best friend Patroclus. Nothing any of his teammates said could get him off of the bench. This left Ajax as the quarterback, who possessed far less talent than Achilles. The Achaeans’ scores began to suffer, though they still won their games - barely.
Finally the big game arrived. Trojans and Achaeans faced off against each other for first place. Menelaus was essentially useless during the game, as he spent most of the time glowering at Paris, who proudly paraded around in a horse costume. Helen had joined the Trojan cheerleaders and rooted loudly for the team, seemingly oblivious to the longing stares of Menelaus.
With Ajax leading the Achaeans did poorly. Hector led the Trojans through a number of successful plays, scoring several touchdowns. By half-time the Achaeans were in bad shape. Odysseus, who had made the team due to a gift at coming up with plays, despite his geekyness, approached Agamemnon. He urged him to give Achilles back Briseis and bring him back into the game. Agamemnon refused at first but relented when other players agreed with Odysseus. Approaching Achilles, who still sat sulking, he offered him a deal - he would allow him to date Briseis again if Achilles would win the game. Despite the prompting of his teammates, Achilles refused.
Patroclus, however, was moved - not by Agamemnon’s speech, but by the plight of his teammates. He was put back into the game, replacing Ajax as quarterback. During the second half of the game he blocked the plays of the Achaeans and helped even the score, leading his team to a few touchdowns and penalty kicks. With just a few minutes left on the clock he started a new play. It led to a successful touchdown, tying the Trojans and the Achaeans, but during the course of the play Patroclus was tackled by Hector. The injury was ruled accidental by the judges and no penalty was called, but Patroclus was taken to the hospital with a severe concussion.
With the game tied, overtime was called. Enraged by the damage Hector had caused to Patroclus, Achilles agreed to finally enter the game. He made some pretty risky calls on the field, but he was something to watch, let me tell you. You’ve seen Star Wars, right? It was like watching Yoda plow through an army of clones. Nothing could stand in his way.
The Achaeans were ahead on the score as the Trojans made their final play. Hector called it and everyone started running, but Achilles headed straight for him. Thinking he had a shot, Hector threw the football - only to have Achilles jump up and slam it to the ground, landing on Hector. They began to scuffle, oblivious to the whistles of the judges. Their teammates finally managed to pull them apart. With no time left on the clock, the Achaeans were judged the winners.
Hector went to the hospital with a broken nose, but Achilles wasn’t done humiliating him yet. Knowing that Odysseus filmed every game, he asked for the help of his teammates. Before the night was over, a video of Hector’s humiliation at the hands of Achilles had gone viral. Its views increased every day, until Hector’s father came to Achilles and begged him to pull the video down. He appealed to Achilles, asking him what it would be like to have his family and friends see him defeated, to hear everyone laughing at it while their boy was in the hospital. Reminded of his own father, Achilles finally relented and deleted the video.
This isn’t the end of the story, but it tells the point I wanted to make - don’t piss off Achilles. Seriously. He’ll never let it go, but you’ll wish he had.
And with that, I’m signing off. Until next time, peeps!
H out.
Related blog posts you might find interesting:
Odysseus Missing: Took the wrong bus home?
Eris interrupts Beauty Pageant with disastrous results
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