Maui and the Vagina of Death

Alright guys.  I try very hard to keep my posts kid friendly - which can be difficult, considering how sex and violence filled most mythologies are.  For this post...well, there really wasn't any way to make it PG.  You have been warned!

My final post about Maui is also the story of the demigod's death.  In the past several weeks, we've talked about a lot of the hero's exploits.  He raised the islands from beneath the sea; he stole fire for mankind; he tamed the sun.  All of these are pretty impressive accomplishments.

Unfortunately, Maui let his achievements go to his head.  He became very proud of all that he had done, and began to think himself invincible.

Now, at this point in time, things were a little different than they are now.  Mankind was mortal, but no one had died yet.  The goddess of the underworld, Hine-nui-te-pō, existed - but she hadn't yet taken anyone from the realm of the living.

When Maui heard of Hine-nui-te-pō's existence, he took it as a challenge.  For a hero so great as he, one who had accomplished so much already...well, defeating death ought to be easy, right?

Wrong.

Maui set out and found the place where Hine-nui-te-pō made her home.  He knew exactly what he had to do.  The ritual was...interesting, to say the least.

When a person enters this world, they exit their mothers womb.  Life therefore comes out of the vagina, right?  Well, in order to defeat death, Maui needed to reverse that ceremony.  He needed to climb into Hine-nui-te-pō's vagina, through her womb, and out of her mouth.  If he could do this, death would be defeated, and everyone would be immortal.

I'm not joking.  That was his plan.

Now, there were a couple of problems right off of the bat.  First off (in my mind, at least)...how was he even going to fit?  Second, was she just going to lay there and let him try this?  And lastly...did I mention that her vagina was lined with sharp, jagged obsidian teeth?

Yeah, this sounds like a great idea!

Maui arrived at Hine-nui-te-pō's lair and found the goddess fast asleep.  Well, that made life easier!  He wouldn't have to worry about sneaking up on her.  All he had to do was to make sure she didn't wake up.

In some versions of the story, Maui was accompanied by his brothers.  In others, there were birds sitting on a nearby tree.  Whichever it was, the demigod explained his plan to them.  He then warned the spectators that, whatever happened, they must not laugh.  If they laughed, Hine-nui-te-pō would awaken, and Maui would be killed.

The brothers/birds agreed.  Maui stripped and approached the goddess.

(For those of you who are curious and don't mind a NSFW image, you can find one here.)

At first everything seemed to be going well.  First Maui shoved his head inside Hine-nui-te-pō (who somehow remained asleep throughout this).  Next came his arms, then his shoulders.  At last he had made it halfway in!

Unfortunately, the spectacle proved to be too much for the brothers/birds.  They had been swallowing their laughter for as long as they could, but they could hold it in no longer.  One of them let out a loud chortle.

Immediately Hine-nui-te-pō awoke.  Her muscles clenched and her thighs slammed together.  The obsidian teeth of her vagina cut Maui in half.

And so it was that Maui's adventures ended.  He was the first being to die, and with his demise, death entered the world and from there on out would claim mortals.  To add insult to injury...the mighty hero was slain by a vagina.

I hope you guys enjoyed the story, and this look into Polynesian mythology!  Maui is a hilarious character.  What did you think of him?

See you next week!