I hope you guys enjoy this interpretation, and I'll be back on Friday with an introduction to Japanese mythology!
Disclaimer: I know nothing about football except what little I have gleaned from watching the Superbowl for its commercials and from Wikipedia. I know even less about cheerleading. I apologize in advance.
October 7th, 2014
I’m just gonna go ahead and dedicate this to my darling, my muse, who inspired me to write this. Without her I would never have put this into words.
This account is all about how pissed off Achilles got. But that’s not how it started. Let me tell you:
It all began when Helen switched schools to be with her new boy-toy. Unfortunately, she didn’t break up with her previous boyfriend before doing this. Menelaus was understandably upset - after all, she was the hottest cheerleader in town. She was kind of a trophy for him to parade around in front of all the other jocks. For her to leave him for the sissy mascot of the Trojan school was a huge insult. Naturally, he took this up with his brother, Agamemnon. After all, if the Achaeans could defeat the Trojans in football, they would shame the school - and its mascot - forever. Menelaus was also hoping that he could show off enough to win Helen back.
The brackets for the season had already been set, and the Achaeans would have to beat a lot of other schools in order to play against the Trojans. The Trojan quarterback, Hector, was an amazing player. His plays had won the Trojans many a game. He was also the brother of Paris, so Agamemnon knew he would play hard to defend his brother’s honor. Luckily for the Achaeans, they had a quarterback who was more than Hector’s match - Achilles. Though Agamemnon was the coach, Achilles was the one who decided the plays and won the game. With his help, Agamemnon was sure he could help win Menelaus’ girlfriend back.
The games were fierce, with both Trojans and Achaeans winning in all of their games. Along the way Achilles fell for a cheerleader named Briseis, who had cheered for a school whose team the Achaeans had defeated. Agamemnon also began a relationship with a cheerleader, this one named Chryseis. When her father found out he was furious, due to the age difference between his daughter and Agamemnon. He threatened to sue Agamemnon and have him banned from coaching if he did not break off the relationship. Seeing no other choice, Agamemnon dumped Chryseis.
Irritated that he had been forced to give up a beautiful woman, Agamemnon sulked whenever he saw Achilles with his new girlfriend. Finally he gathered the team together. Pointing out that he was the one who did all the work, and that without him the team could not play, he demanded that Achilles break off his relationship with Briseis, claiming it distracted him from playing. Achilles refused to do so, but Agamemnon would not relent, and Achilles was eventually forced to give in. Since Briseis was legally an adult, Agamemnon began to try and woo her.
Furious at this turn of events, Achilles sulked. He refused to play in any practices or games, as did his best friend Patroclus. Nothing any of his teammates said could get him off of the bench. This left Ajax as the quarterback, who possessed far less talent than Achilles. The Achaeans’ scores began to suffer, though they still won their games - barely.
Finally the big game arrived. Trojans and Achaeans faced off against each other for first place. Menelaus was essentially useless during the game, as he spent most of the time glowering at Paris, who proudly paraded around in a horse costume. Helen had joined the Trojan cheerleaders and rooted loudly for the team, seemingly oblivious to the longing stares of Menelaus.
With Ajax leading the Achaeans did poorly. Hector led the Trojans through a number of successful plays, scoring several touchdowns. By half-time the Achaeans were in bad shape. Odysseus, who had made the team due to a gift at coming up with plays, despite his geekyness, approached Agamemnon. He urged him to give Achilles back Briseis and bring him back into the game. Agamemnon refused at first but relented when other players agreed with Odysseus. Approaching Achilles, who still sat sulking, he offered him a deal - he would allow him to date Briseis again if Achilles would win the game. Despite the prompting of his teammates, Achilles refused.
Patroclus, however, was moved - not by Agamemnon’s speech, but by the plight of his teammates. He was put back into the game, replacing Ajax as quarterback. During the second half of the game he blocked the plays of the Achaeans and helped even the score, leading his team to a few touchdowns and penalty kicks. With just a few minutes left on the clock he started a new play. It led to a successful touchdown, tying the Trojans and the Achaeans, but during the course of the play Patroclus was tackled by Hector. The injury was ruled accidental by the judges and no penalty was called, but Patroclus was taken to the hospital with a severe concussion.
With the game tied, overtime was called. Enraged by the damage Hector had caused to Patroclus, Achilles agreed to finally enter the game. He made some pretty risky calls on the field, but he was something to watch, let me tell you. You’ve seen Star Wars, right? It was like watching Yoda plow through an army of clones. Nothing could stand in his way.
The Achaeans were ahead on the score as the Trojans made their final play. Hector called it and everyone started running, but Achilles headed straight for him. Thinking he had a shot, Hector threw the football - only to have Achilles jump up and slam it to the ground, landing on Hector. They began to scuffle, oblivious to the whistles of the judges. Their teammates finally managed to pull them apart. With no time left on the clock, the Achaeans were judged the winners.
Hector went to the hospital with a broken nose, but Achilles wasn’t done humiliating him yet. Knowing that Odysseus filmed every game, he asked for the help of his teammates. Before the night was over, a video of Hector’s humiliation at the hands of Achilles had gone viral. Its views increased every day, until Hector’s father came to Achilles and begged him to pull the video down. He appealed to Achilles, asking him what it would be like to have his family and friends see him defeated, to hear everyone laughing at it while their boy was in the hospital. Reminded of his own father, Achilles finally relented and deleted the video.
This isn’t the end of the story, but it tells the point I wanted to make - don’t piss off Achilles. Seriously. He’ll never let it go, but you’ll wish he had.
And with that, I’m signing off. Until next time, peeps!
H out.
Related blog posts you might find interesting:
Odysseus Missing: Took the wrong bus home?
Eris interrupts Beauty Pageant with disastrous results
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